“I grew up understanding the importance of the eldest child’s birthrights” – Rachel-Diane Epoupa Mpacko (Cameroon) – 2/3

This is the second part of our conversation with Rachel-Diane, a Cameroonian clothes designer. After describing her childhood in the first part, she now tells us about how she fought against the domestic violence within her family. 

Rachel-Diane was interviewed by Françoise Moudouthe in late 2019, as part of a global project documenting girls’ resistance. The conversation was also edited into this three-part interview by Françoise, with Nana Bruce-Amanquah and Edwige Dro for our #GirlsResistWA series. You can learn more about the series here. 

Avertissement: cette conversation contient des mentions de violence et d’abus qui pourraient choquer celles qui nous lisent. Veuillez prendre un moment pour décider si vous souhaitez continuer la lecture. Si vous continuez, nous vous encourageons à vous concentrer sur votre bien-être et d’arrêter la lecture à tout moment, selon vos besoins.

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At that time as a young girl, when was the moment you started questioning things around you? 

I found this book called Victoire ou la douleur des femmes by Gilbert Schlogel (unofficial literal translation: Victoire or women’s pain). It’s a book about the premises of the European feminist movements. In the environment I grew up in, there were more important things to do than questioning life or resisting. I think that we internalized women’s quote-unquote “inferior status”. So, that book planted a seed in my mind. While reading it I realized that it was possible to rebel and fight for what we believe in. This book was like a wake-up call. And linking it to the domestic violence my mother endured, I could tell myself: “I don’t want to see my mother suffer anymore, I don’t want to end up in a similar situation either”, and in fact, no one should go through this, and taking action is necessary. 

We’ll talk about it, but before that, I wanted to ask you: what does resisting mean to you? 

To me, resisting is when I ask myself: “Is this fair? Are people treated decently? Do they feel worthy?” and if the answer is “No”, that’s when something needs to be done to fight this, with the means and resources at our disposal.

Could you tell me about the first time when you said to yourself: “Ok, I’m going to resist” and then did it. What was the context?

I grew up understanding the importance of the eldest child’s birthrights. Before becoming the eldest child, I had older sisters living with me in my parents’ house. It was very important to let the elder play their role. When my father hit my mother, it usually was my eldest sister who opposed it.

At the time, not having to intervene was a relief. I was conflicted because I was very close to my father and I wondered if he would take it personally or feel as if I didn’t love him if I went against him and got closer to my mother. Until I decided that it didn’t matter and that I had to do something about it. I would do tiny daily acts of resistance and say: “Dad, no, don’t do that, this isn’t right.” Or “Dad, leave Mom alone, don’t hit her too hard”. Then my sisters left home to go to college when I was about 16 years old. So I became the eldest at home and I had to behave accordingly. I was now the one who had to defend my mother, since the others weren’t there anymore.

And inevitably came the day when you had to defend her?

It was much more than that. That was the day when, for the first time, my father hit my mother in the street. Before that, it always happened at home. I remember that day, I was coming back from school, and when I got into the village, the other kids told me what had happened. I was so angry and I was truly ashamed. At least at home, I wasn’t held accountable and Mom could hide for a little while until her injuries healed. This time, however, everybody saw that my father was violent and that he humiliated my mother. I couldn’t take it anymore, I said to myself that I had to do something.

My mother went straight to her brother’s house because she was scared. When my father came home that night, he said “Good evening.” My brothers and sisters greeted him back but I didn’t. He said: “So, you’re not greeting me back? Why? Because I hit your mother?” and I replied: “Yes! You’re behaving like those men who hit their wives in public! You are a respectable man.” And then he said: “Since when do you talk to me like that?” This is where we go back to the importance of birthright. I said to him: “Why have you started hitting Mom in public now? This isn’t ok, it’s wrong!” That day, I let it out. I let all the frustration I carried explode!

You were bold!

I know right?! It’s as if I didn’t care about what would happen to me. I think it’s the seed that the book planted that grew: You have a voice! You have a voice! You can use it! I think that unconsciously, I felt this injustice. I had this feeling that it was not normal. My father is the one who taught us these values: to be dignified and to behave with dignity. And he was the first to break them, and this time in front of everybody. Therefore, I had a solid argument to hold against him and I said: “You’re the one who just broke your own rules”. 

He said: “Don’t talk to me like that, you owe me respect.” I don’t know what I was holding on to but I answered: “Parents owe their children respect too. Children aren’t the only ones who must respect their parents, you owe me respect as well. Today, you disrespected us!” I said that knowing what to expect and then bam! He slapped me! He said, “Who do you think you are to talk to me this way? Don’t you know that the Bible says honor your parents?” That evening I said: “And the Bible also says to respect your wife!” (she laughs) Oh my God, I don’t know how I gathered the courage to speak to him like that on that night! 

Wow!

And he kept on hitting and said, “Do you want me to curse you? Don’t you know that disrespecting your parents brings a curse upon you?” And I replied, “Being your children is already a curse anyway!” When I’m angry, I don’t have any filters anymore. I regret saying that though because it truly hurt his feelings. 

My father hit me that night! The more he hit me the more I talked back. I don’t know, I guess I was fueled by adrenaline. I was defying my father. For real. I couldn’t even control myself. Then when he realized that hitting me wouldn’t make me comply, he told me that if I disagreed with him, I was free to leave his house because he was the head of the household. So, I said: “I’m leaving” and he asked “Are you sure you want to leave? Because if you do, you can’t come back to this house anymore.” I told him, “I’m leaving, open the doors, I’m going to go.” Even in the insecure context, I went out. It was only after going out that I realized what had happened. I started crying. Then I turned around and saw all my brothers and sisters crying behind me. 

I see. They followed their elder sister.

They did! They followed me. The eldest truly has a strong influence on the younger ones. We trust their choices and we trust that they can guide us. It was late. We didn’t take anything with us. I got us a taxi that took us to our uncle’s place where my mother was and that’s where we stayed for about two weeks. After two weeks, a paternal uncle came to take us back home. I was asked to apologize to my father but I refused. That strained our relationship and later on, he completely cut me off. 

We didn’t talk for two and a half years until I had my first job. After starting your first job, it is customary to go see your father with a bottle of wine to say: “Thank you Dad for the education you gave me, etc.” So, when I had my first job, I bought two bottles (one to celebrate the new job and another to thank him for giving me access to education), then I went to see him and asked for forgiveness. And that’s how we tried to recreate some kind of relationship.

In the third and final part, we’ll talk about family reconciliation and the impact of that resistance on Rachel-Diane’s life. Click here to read our conversation.