“Are you even ready for empowered children?” – Jean Kemitare (Uganda) – 4/4

My conversation with Ugandan Jean Kemitare is coming to an end. The interview had started by focusing on Jean her childhood’s influence on her feminist vision (part 1). Jean told me about her feminist work (part 2) and shared her views on how women’s rights movements have evolved since she joined the fight (part 3). To conclude, we circle back to family and discuss one of my favorite topics: feminist parenting.

Tell me, what keeps your feminist self up at night?

The world needs more feminists. I worry about not having impacted as many women as I can across Africa with consciousness about voice and choice. I am also worried about leaving this world with my children unprepared to be strong social justice activists.

Turns out, the challenges of feminist parenting are among the issues that keep me up at night, so I’d love to ask you more about your experience, especially as your kids are older than mine! Can you tell me about the lessons you’ve learned and the challenges you’ve faced while raising your children in a way that is in line with your feminist values?

I’ll start with the challenges! (She laughs.) There are contradictions between your core values you teach at home and the realities your children will face out there in the world, especially in patriarchal spaces such as schools. Say you have a boy whom you’re trying to bring him up to have positive masculinity. He will likely be bullied at school because he never fights back, or he’ll be ridiculed because he is so-called soft.

There will also be instances where your son will benefit from patriarchy. Once my son was elected by his peers as the vice-chair of his class, and a girl was chosen to be the class leader. Then his teacher – a woman – told the class that girls can’t be class leaders, so they should exchange roles. He got a leadership role out of it, but it was as a result of patriarchy.

Same thing if you’re trying to raise your girl to be assertive. When my daughter was nine, she and her friends wanted to run for certain school leadership positions. Their teacher said, “No this is not for you, you are too young, and you are girls.” My daughter protested, said this was discrimination, which made me proud as a mother, but she was still punished for doing so.

So the biggest challenge has been to reconcile what you teach at home with what the outside world is pushing for?

Yes, but also: are you even ready for empowered children? Because with all the consciousness-raising you’re doing, you’re empowering them to engage with the world out there, but also with you. And of course, how do you empower your children when you are still struggling to assert yourself as a feminist?

Those are great questions. Did you find any answers? Can you share some feminist parenting advice with us?

It has helped me to be friends with my children. They tell me what is going on in their lives and I can unpack it with them from a feminist angle. I can help them deal with bullying, or hold their own, in a way that is non-violent. I teach my children to know their rights: their right to say no, their right to voice and choice. I teach them to be aware of other people’s rights.

And most importantly I teach them to be strategic so that they are not in danger: it’s not always safe to be extremely assertive in very patriarchal institutions like school or places of worship. They need to have social but also emotional intelligence, you know.

Photo by Adrianna Van Groningen on Unsplash

As a parent, I often wonder if I can guide my children to live by feminist values when I myself am still working on that. Have you ever felt like you either have failed - or are still struggling - to embody your feminist values?

If I’m going to be honest, it is not an easy journey! Sometimes I think only Jesus could have managed to be the perfect feminist. But he wasn’t human, right? (She laughs.) Well I am human, so there are many contradictions in my life. There are times when I haven’t spoken out or taken action against injustice even when it was within my power to do something, just because I was scared of the backlash. Then I tell myself, that was not a very feminist thing to do.

Can you give me an example?

You know, spirituality means a lot to me, and the way I practice it is through Christianity, which I am aware is a patriarchal institution and religion. I have the discernment to unpack the religion using feminist interpretations of the Holy Scriptures to make meaning for myself. I have the discernment to recognize patriarchal statements by the institution. Yet I still turn to this religion for spiritual nourishment.

I feel really conflicted about that sometimes. Have I betrayed the cause? Or am I being strategic and using the fact that I have opened the door to influence things from the inside? Sometimes I’ll even blame myself. But I put it all down to being human. I’m a human being, so I am full of contradictions.

Last question: what is your feminist life motto?

Because life is a journey with different stops, twists and turns, as well as phases which change from time to time. Right now my mantra, it is another of Audre Lorde’s quotes: "If I didn’t define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people’s fantasies for me and eaten alive.” To me, it goes back to voice and choice and reminds me that it is important to remember voice and choice for ALL women.

Thank you so much, Jean, for sharing your story, thoughts and questions with us in such a vulnerable way. I know it was not easy, and I’m so grateful for your time and for the work you are doing. Friends, I can’t wait to hear your thoughts! Don’t forget to write a comment below, or let’s chat on Twitter or Instagram @EyalaBlog.

Want to connect with Jean?

…Or give her a shout out? Find her on Twitter @JeanKemitare.