"My feminism is a fight for the reality I know I deserve" - Dr. Tlaleng Mofokeng (South Africa) - 4/4

Photo credit: Zuzi.

Thinking back on everything you just told me about your book, it’s clear to me that you didn’t just provide us with a guide on sexual health, but also as a manifesto of female power. You give a clue of that in the dedication – a beautiful poem that ends with a call for us to join you in being “indomitable”. That word suits you beautifully. Can you tell me more about why you chose it to welcome us into your world?

Several people on Twitter had referred to me as “the indomitable Dr. T”, so when my publishing house used the same word in my book announcement, I had to go look it up in the dictionary. (English is my sixth language, so I regularly have to look things up, you know?) I went, “Before I internalize this word, what does it mean?” I was worried about what it was people were projecting on me.

Why were you worried? It clearly sounded like a compliment, didn’t it?

I deliberately resist anyone who tries to label me as strong, tenacious or anything like that. In South Africa, there is this word, mbokodo, that was used to describe the women who were active in the anti-apartheid struggle. People use it to say that that a woman is strong, that she’s a stone, that she’s unbreakable. But often the strength they celebrate comes on the back of women being quiet in the face of nonsense. That strength is weaponized to keep the household together even though we are falling apart. What is celebrated is us having to bear some form of violence, and if you speak out, if you decide you will not be used, suddenly you're not so strong anymore.

So, I wanted to know what indomitable meant because I didn't want to be referred to as some object that has no feelings. But when I did read up what that word meant I was like, “Okay this does sound like me. I'll take it.” (She laughs.)

How do you define your indomitable spirit?

Saying I’m indomitable means I know exactly what I stand for, which by extension means I don't have to waste any more time trying to convince people that what I have to say is important. If I don't like something, I will let you know. And if your campaign has issues, I will tell you. I'm not that person who will just be quiet.

I was once on a flight and that poem came to me and I just jotted it down. And then I thought, this is what's going to go in the book. I’d been asked to invite someone to write a foreword for me, but it felt right to have that poem as my dedication instead.

Let me show you the dedication that opens Dr. T.’s book. Photo credit: Eyala.

What do you mean when you call yourself a feminist?

I didn't know the word feminism until late in my teen years, when I started reading about it. But I’ve lived in a feminist world. I grew up watching women walk in a room and command respect. I grew up watching women laugh loudly. I was surrounded by women who allowed me to argue and never told me I couldn’t say this or talk back to my father because I was a child.

So, that world that many feminists are trying to build, I’ve lived in it. My feminism is not something I read about or a reality that only exists somewhere far away. My feminism is my life. It's who I am. It's my history. It's my mother, my aunts. It's those childhood memories of women sitting on stools around the three-legged pots, cooking outside and talking about the amazing sex they had and never chasing us children away. I know what it’s like to live in a world where I'm affirmed for who I am and who I want to be.

“That world that many feminists are trying to build, I’ve lived in it.”

That is such an appeasing vision of feminism.

Yes, but for the same reasons, my feminism is also a fight. It’s a fight not to let anyone take away my reality, my story and my history. My feminism is my fight to protect who I am. People like to complain that feminists are fighting all the time. Of course, I’m fighting!

I fight to protect the world I know can exist because I’ve lived in it: one where I can walk around without people calling me names or commenting on my big bum or what I’m wearing. One where I can walk around in a world and not worry about whether I'm going to be raped. But right now I’m suffocated. I'm silenced. I'm violated. So, of course, I’m fighting. My feminism is a fight for the reality I know I deserve. I know it because I’ve lived it.

And now, the ritual final question on Eyala. What is your feminist motto?

It’s not a feminist phrase, really, but there’s this thing my mom tells me whenever I’m traveling or getting ready to give a talk or something like that. She always says: “be bold.” I even had it tattooed on my forearm a few months ago, also in Braille.

In Braille? Why?

You know, in the 80s my mom was a teacher for children who couldn’t see or hear, so she would teach them using Braille and sign language. Sign language is actually the first language I ever learned. I wanted that tattoo in Braille and in 3D so that if I ever meet a blind person, they can actually read the tattoo.

Wow, I love that.

Yeah, so “be bold” is a phrase that keeps me going forward in a world where my reality, my history, who I am and what I look like, is constantly being questioned or silenced. A world where I’m never enough just as I am, so I always have to back things up. And so, “be bold” is a reminder to be me.

Being bold is not the same as being strong, by the way. Being bold gives space to vulnerability while being strong doesn’t. Being bold means that I speak my truth even when my voice shakes. Whenever I see someone who needs affirmation or is triggered and breaks down, I share those words with them. Be bold. Even you’re crying right now, be bold about your vulnerability. No more being composed or respectable. It doesn’t matter if your crying is delaying the whole conference. Whatever you feel, feel it fully. Let’s be bold.

It’s a wrap! Many thanks, Dr. T. for sharing so much of your story and vision to me and the Eyala community without shying away from controversy. Friends, I cannot wait to hear your thoughts so please write a comment below, or let’s chat on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram @EyalaBlog.

Want to connect with Dr. T.?

…Or give her a shout out? Find her on Twitter and Instagram @DrTlaleng.

I highly recommend getting a copy of Dr. T.’s book, entitled Dr. T., A Guide to Sexual Health and Pleasure.You can purchase it from Book Depository for delivery in Africa and Europe and pretty much everywhere else, and from Barnes and Noble for delivery the US.